There was a time when I wanted to kill myself.
This is the first time I’ve ever said that publicly. You have questions, I know. I mostly keep things light hearted here and leave the heavy conversations on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I mean…How do we even talk about suicide? The truth is, we don’t. Let’s be real, these are things we never ever talk about. The culture basically sweeps mental health under the rug and we’re given a prescription to pray. Pray it away. Pray to be better. Pray. Nope. Life doesn’t work like that. We need to have these conversations with our kids and Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why opens the door to these conversations.
This time in my life all went down when I was in high school. I hated high school. You can check my school records, I ditched almost all the time. So much so that in order to graduate, I had to do 0 period to 9th period. Being a teenager is the worst if you are left to your own devices. The loneliness is real. I felt weird in my skin. I felt awkward. I felt like I was constantly letting down my family with my choices. I locked myself in the bathroom for hours. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know if this was normal. I didn’t know WTF was wrong with me. My parents were disciplinarians first and over anything. I couldn’t talk to them about anything. Especially not my feelings. We just didn’t do feelings. We weren’t that family.
I woke up this morning and saw my domain expired. The GoDaddy this domain expired page was up and everything. I knew the renewal was coming but I made no effort to pay. I tend to live life like that these days. And then I remembered I was doing this blogging daily thing in November and wanted to get my blog back up immediately. I pulled up godaddy.com to pay and couldn’t remember my password. Of course! I tweeted about the tragedy but wasn’t freaking out like I usually do. This is how it played out on Twitter. Gifs make everything better.
I’m me before I’m a blogger. Me being a mom, wife, homegirl, healer, dreamer.
(I had intentions for this post but I got all jacked up with cramps last night. So it was cramps, Cops + Cherry Garcia)
Today was a time suck. I feel like my life is always in limbo. Working, plotting + planning, doing something, going somewhere, waiting, waiting, waiting. I wish folks would respect my time and energy tho. Especially if I’m trying to get you paid!
I haven’t had the urge to post on my personal Facebook page. Today is Day 3. I’m surviving. I played a game today. Saw a tweet about The Voter Suppression Trail and played twice. I won’t spoil it for you but damn if it ain’t real AF. I got Wisconsin first and laughed when I got Orange County (where I’m from) next. Shit I didn’t realize I got it so easy. I could literally walk a few blocks to my polling place and get in + out in 5-10 minutes. Everyone’s experience in America is different, be easy with your fellow humans. I’m not going to tell you who to vote for but make sure you flex your vote on November 8. Do the research.
Bandwagon Cubs fan here*. At least for the World Series anyway. Chris + I started watching the World Series during Game 5 cause he wanted to see the Indians win. That didn’t happen. He was all the way off. I wanted to watch cause I like baseball. Tonight: Game 7. Screaming. Crying. Screaming. 10th inning. Rain delay. THE CUBS WON! After 108 years. Pluto wasn’t even a planet the last time they won a World Series. Marinate on that for a minute. So with everything going on in the US presidential election + scandals, Standing Rock, Syria, Yemen, police brutality… we could celebrate for one night. Tomorrow is another day.
But about my day. I woke up late and with a headache. I was out of it and knew I wouldn’t be giving my all to my clients so cancelled my appointments. We were supposed to spend the day out at a museum but that didn’t happen. I took a nap and woke up hungry. The kids were hungry too so I treated them out to Denny’s (that post is coming soon) and we went to score marked down Halloween candy. Target was only 30% off so nope. We were in the toy aisle talking Star Wars when a random cholo started talking to my husband about his toy collection. And when we were leaving Target tonight…
I’m going ghost on my personal Facebook starting today and for the whole month of November. Every time I get tempted to post there you can find me here where I’m going to blog daily – microblogging killed my desire to blog and I want to go back to that. And I’ll be real, I need to build up my traffic after going on an unexpected hiatus for a few months when my Papa got sick.
This is a sponsored post in collaboration with Acorn + Poise. All thoughts are my own.
My mom didn’t really talk to me about things. The important things. My body, bodies in general, sex, periods, pads. We discussed virginity (don’t lose it!) and tampons (you could die if you use those!) She was old school, conservative and religious. The sad reality is I learned the bare minimum from her. And the rest I pieced together from teen magazines and those awkward sex education classes in school. I kinda remember something about watching a video in 5th grade. I made a promise to myself when I became a mother that I would tell my daughter everything. She could talk to me about anything. It was going to be awesome. And then I had not one but four sons. The Universe is funny like that sometimes. I still made it a point to over-communicate things with them. Promises are promises. Things they didn’t want to hear like periods and light bladder leakage (LBL). Especially with my future daughter-in-law just having my grandson about a month ago. What if her mom was like my mom and didn’t talk to her about things?! LBL might be taboo in her family but not ours. I didn’t want her to be embarrassed especially when I had done all that work with my son!
Dear Future Daughter-In-Law,
If there’s one blogger thing I live for, it is blogger conferences. I look forward to it at least once a year and if I’m lucky, twice a year. It is where I get to escape… just kidding. It is where I get to hang with my peeps and feed off their energy and exchange ideas. I’m getting ready to attend #WeAllGrow Summit in Long Beach, CA. Actually I’m working the conference but when work is fun…
The cool thing is I won’t actually have to fly anywhere, Long Beach is my hometown and only 15 miles from me. The thing about that though is since I’m local, I’m lagging on packing. We’re talking only two days left of preparing and packing. There is sooo much to do. I brought out my business cards cause you can’t go to a conference and not have those. You might be wondering why I’m sharing all this, going back home got me thinking… maybe I should Google myself to see what’s currently out there about me. Have you ever googled yourself? What did you find?
I used baby products by JOHNSON’S® to care for me as part of a sponsored post for Socialstars #johnsonspartners #MoreForYou
I got really sick the week of my 40th birthday. So much so that it put me out of commission for that whole week and I was still recovering until this week. It started with dehydration, combine that with vertigo and your whole world is literally upside down and spinning. That was back in August. It was a wakeup call to start taking care of me more. I started taking on less work and learning to relax more. I know that sounds easy but the reality is, work isn’t guaranteed when you are a freelancer and you tend to take on everything. Getting that sick scared me. I started to fill my days with more outside time. To feel the sun on my face, listen to my boys questions, savor lunch and not rush through it and as cliche as this sounds, to stop and smell the roses. This setback was a reminder that life goes on with or without you and I want to be here.
I actually started blogging in the 90s. Before it was even called blogging. I didn’t know bloggers were making money till 2011. There are bloggers that have issues being called a sell out, well you can miss me with that, who wouldn’t want to make money? I went to BlogHer ’11 cause I came up on a student ticket and only because it was in San Diego. I had no idea what I was getting into and my husband couldn’t believe I was making an investment on some blogger conference. When it comes to blogging, if all you see is the fun side then my job is done. But the reality is, it took crazy work to get to where I am. I had to prove myself to brands. I wish brands would just trust me and pay my worth. It gets so much easier to be creative when brands cut me a check as a way of saying I trust you. But even with that, my constant battle is against no one but myself and my voice.
I am celebrating #LifesLittleLeaks with Poise® Microliners and Socialstars in today’s sponsored post!
Life is funny. Literally. I’m always laughing. It is kinda hard not to being married to my husband and being the mom of four boys. Chris is always doing and saying things that make me laugh. I blame all the wrinkles on him. You ever laugh so hard you pee your pants? Me either. Who does that? Sike! I have. It’s no big deal. When it happens you are in denial like… did that really happen? Ew! And then you wonder if anyone knows or can see. Ew!